She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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