Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
