I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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