I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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