somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
