Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
