Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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