drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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