"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
where are my eyebrows?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
