If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
