whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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