the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm eating all of the evidence.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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