here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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