If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize