is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
