There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
