I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
