I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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