Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
