The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
