Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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