My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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