Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
