Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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