omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
