She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
