I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
