my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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