I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Bring me that man meat
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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