he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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