my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
