I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
