I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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