turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
