woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
