i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize