well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
3 2 1 whiskey
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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