I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
