I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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