i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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