Your tits are I can't wait for
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
