I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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