I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize