I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
