Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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