I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
