I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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