There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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