I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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