So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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