Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
