i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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