The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Randomize