can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize