Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
