My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
