she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
